Last night I started having chest pains, but thought I would wait and see how I felt in the morning. This morning I still had the pains, and although I don't want to turn into a hypochondriac, I don't want to ignore things either.
Before I came to Tulsa the first time, the cardiologist in Long Beach told me I had excess fluid in my pericardial sac. One of the side effects of the chemo pills I am taking is more fluid around my heart, but the old "the benefits outweigh the risks"chestnut came into play again. My oncologist just warned me to let someone know if I feel like I am having a heart attack (which is difficult when you don't exactly know what that is supposed to feel like.)
Before 9:00 this morning I already had an EKG, a CT scan, a blood draw, and an arterial blood gas (ABG) test. Blood for an ABG test is taken from an artery instead of a vein. Collecting blood from an artery is more painful than collecting it from a vein because the arteries are deeper and are protected by nerves. The nurse wanted to be truthful with me and told me to expect a lot of pain. The Lord knew I was about ready to snap this morning, and so He gave me the gift of not feeling a thing. The technician and nurse were amazed. I was relieved and grateful, but very tired.
I have to admit that today I am really worn out. Today nobody would think I was brave, inspirational, or motivating. Today I just want my sister to get here from Florida as fast as she can and cry with me. I need to laugh and see a movie. I need a vacation from this cancer thing- just for today. Today no chemo pills, no hormone blockers, no anti-nausea pills, no supplements, no physical therapy. It was so easy just to walk away from all of it for just today.
Today I have come to the end of what I can handle. But the good news is my heavenly Father still loves me even if I'm not very brave today. If I didn't know that for an absolute certainty, I would be a basket case today. I can't say Jesus loves me, but I don't trust Him with my life in the same sentence. It would be impossible.
We all have a sadness or disappointment in our life that shakes us to the foundation of our being. Mine just happens to be Stage IV breast cancer which is no greater than the pain you might be struggling with right now. My sincere question is if you don't believe in God, how do you handle it? How do you cope with the sadness or situation that is bigger than you? Sex, alcohol, drugs, food, making money, being a big cheese at work - I think those things will only dull the pain for a while, but not eliminate it. How do you hang on without becoming bitter, depressed, or cynical?
This excerpt from St. Faustina's Diary seems applicable to my blog entry for today:
I do not examine with fear Your plans regarding me; my task is to accept everything from your hand. I do not fear anything although the storm is raging and frightful bolts strike all around me, and then I feel quite alone. Yet my heart senses You, and my trust grows, and I see all Your omnipotence which upholds me. With You, Jesus, I go through life, amid storms and rainbows, with a cry of joy, singing the song of Your mercy. I will not stop singing my song of love until the choir of Angels picks it up...
Today I need the Lord to hold me in His arms and let me just pour out my sadness to Him. I need for Him to hide me in the refuge of His wings.The promises of the 91st Psalm are awesome.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
"He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Before I came to Tulsa the first time, the cardiologist in Long Beach told me I had excess fluid in my pericardial sac. One of the side effects of the chemo pills I am taking is more fluid around my heart, but the old "the benefits outweigh the risks"chestnut came into play again. My oncologist just warned me to let someone know if I feel like I am having a heart attack (which is difficult when you don't exactly know what that is supposed to feel like.)
Before 9:00 this morning I already had an EKG, a CT scan, a blood draw, and an arterial blood gas (ABG) test. Blood for an ABG test is taken from an artery instead of a vein. Collecting blood from an artery is more painful than collecting it from a vein because the arteries are deeper and are protected by nerves. The nurse wanted to be truthful with me and told me to expect a lot of pain. The Lord knew I was about ready to snap this morning, and so He gave me the gift of not feeling a thing. The technician and nurse were amazed. I was relieved and grateful, but very tired.
I have to admit that today I am really worn out. Today nobody would think I was brave, inspirational, or motivating. Today I just want my sister to get here from Florida as fast as she can and cry with me. I need to laugh and see a movie. I need a vacation from this cancer thing- just for today. Today no chemo pills, no hormone blockers, no anti-nausea pills, no supplements, no physical therapy. It was so easy just to walk away from all of it for just today.
Today I have come to the end of what I can handle. But the good news is my heavenly Father still loves me even if I'm not very brave today. If I didn't know that for an absolute certainty, I would be a basket case today. I can't say Jesus loves me, but I don't trust Him with my life in the same sentence. It would be impossible.
We all have a sadness or disappointment in our life that shakes us to the foundation of our being. Mine just happens to be Stage IV breast cancer which is no greater than the pain you might be struggling with right now. My sincere question is if you don't believe in God, how do you handle it? How do you cope with the sadness or situation that is bigger than you? Sex, alcohol, drugs, food, making money, being a big cheese at work - I think those things will only dull the pain for a while, but not eliminate it. How do you hang on without becoming bitter, depressed, or cynical?
This excerpt from St. Faustina's Diary seems applicable to my blog entry for today:
I do not examine with fear Your plans regarding me; my task is to accept everything from your hand. I do not fear anything although the storm is raging and frightful bolts strike all around me, and then I feel quite alone. Yet my heart senses You, and my trust grows, and I see all Your omnipotence which upholds me. With You, Jesus, I go through life, amid storms and rainbows, with a cry of joy, singing the song of Your mercy. I will not stop singing my song of love until the choir of Angels picks it up...
Today I need the Lord to hold me in His arms and let me just pour out my sadness to Him. I need for Him to hide me in the refuge of His wings.The promises of the 91st Psalm are awesome.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
"He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the LORD, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the LORD, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
2 comments:
Dear Jayne - I am so sorry for the latest set back!!! Hope you are doing better now. Judy should be there? right?
God Bless You
Love from Norma
Hey Ms Jayne,
I just wanted to say hello and to let you know that I love you and think of you non stop. Also, a member of our ladies group at church, has just finished her treatments, which were as severe as yours. Actually, I think she was in Houston too. She is waiting for reconstructive surgery now. Would it be okay to put her in touch with you? She too praises God for everything. Her cancer, like yours, started in the breast, and after 25 yrs, they found it metastasized to the chest wall. Anyway, her cancer is gone and shes ready to get back to society. Its difficult, but you'll get there too. Her name is Pat Dowd and I'll give her blog site if thats okay with you.
Go ahead and cry, it releases toxins in your body and you'll heal faster. Dr. Piccolo's theory.
Oh, TAKE YOUR MEDICINE!
Again, I love you and will be in earnest, double duty prayer for you.
Your Cousin,
Nina
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