Handling Dark Days

I have to admit that I have a very low tolerance for pain. But for the two months I was in St. Mary's Hospital, I was very blessed that I miraculously experienced almost no pain. After a five and a half hour crainiotomy, I didn't even have a headache. I didn't even take aspirin after the gamma knife radiation. I thought I was going to be able to just cruise through brain cancer. I just knew God had no intention of introducing suffering into this scenario.

Then I was discharged from the hospital. Up until then I was with patients who were all in the rehab department. When I got home, and was back in the "normal" world, I had to admit that I have physical disabilities. That was really, really hard. It was a blow to my pride and independence. There are several dents in my bedroom wall that remind me of thrown pill bottles and cell phones when the reality of my life became too much to live with.

I am still struggling with the physical changes in my life - and I have good days and bad days, but never despairing days. I heard the coolest thing at church last Sunday: there is a time for remorse. People have to be allowed time to process the bad things that happen to them and feel sad. It irritates me when well-intentioned people expect that a simple Bible verse is going to make me feel better about having cancer. Of course I know that all things work together for good, but I also believe the Lord allows us time to grieve.

BUT the important thing is that I can't stay in the grief. If I stay in the sadness I become bitter and depressed. I have to keep reaching out in faith knowing that God truly loves me. The joy is getting easier to find.

Just yesterday I thanked God for all the time He has given me to pray, read, and watch EWTN. I thank Him for all the time I have to sleep. I can now thank Him (this took months) that someone else has to clean the house and do the laundry. I haven't felt this rested in decades. I am SLOWLY learning that I can ask people for help, but this is still difficult.

Now about handling the pain. Just last month I was walking home the mile from the bus stop to my house. I felt very proud that I could do this even if it took 45 minutes. Then three weeks ago I found out the breast cancer had spread to the bone. It seemed like overnight the pain in my right hip became unbearable at times. I am learning how much I can walk without putting too much stress on my hip socket, and am devouring Tylenol throughout the day. Carroll came up with the great idea of using Aspercream topically. His remedy is working well. I'll find out next week if I am going to need further radiation to the hip.

Instead of sitting in bed crying about the pain, I am now trying to offer it up as a sacrifice to the Lord. I continue to pray for a healing from the cancer, but I am beginning to see that the pain I am experiencing is not necessarily I bad thing; it has spiritual value. Below you can read some of Mother Angelica's thoughts on pain and suffering:

Wasted Pain
Suffering in itself does not make us holy. It is only when we unite it, out of love to the suffering of Christ that it has meaning. Suffering without love is wasted pain.

Prayer When in Pain
Lord, I attach my pain to all of Your pain. I do not understand the mystery of pain, nor do I grasp the power of it to change a stubborn will like mine. Though I do not understand your plan, my Lord, I accept it. I trust Your love and give You mine in the hope of being lost in Your embrace. Amen.

Eternal Words on Suffering
Think of what Christ suffered in this life; and then arm yourselves with the same resolution that He had: anyone who in this life has bodily suffering has broken with sin, because for the rest of his life on earth he is not ruled by human passions, but only by the will of God. (1 Peter 4: 1-2)

My dear people, you must not think it unaccountable that you should be tested by fire. There is nothing extraordinary in what has happened to you. If you can have some share in the sufferings of Christ, be glad, because you will enjoy much greater gladness when His glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4: 12-13)